GHOSTING (v, active) - When you discontinue responding to text messages from a potential dating partner.
BURYING (v. active) - When you do not ghost, but have no intention of ever seeing the person again. (ex. “Yeah, let’s hang out soon!” “I’ll let you know.” “We’ll see, I’m bouncing around all weekend!”)
A little while ago, my friend asked me, “Do you ever Ghost?” This was because I was in the process of being Ghosted by two guys who I had met over the past weekend. “No…” I thought to myself. Really the only place I Ghost is on dating apps, but that’s sort of expected.
I looked through my texts and thankfully, I found that I wasn’t Ghosting anyone. But I had definitely Buried like five people.
Someone just texted her "Hang soon!"
Burying is made possible by the dumb way Apple’s Messages app is set up. You see a total of seven people at any given time when you open up Messages, sorted by who has texted you recently, or who you’ve texted recently. If you're vague with your promises to "hang soon", then voila! They don’t necessarily have anything to say back and you are OUT of the seven. You’ve effectively Buried yourself out of the seven and out of the person’s mind.
In some ways, Burying is more humane than Ghosting. But in others, it’s way worse. It’s worse because, by not responding, the other person at least knows you’re not interested and can get annoyed and maybe try again but get stonewalled and hear that as a “NO!” loud and clear. Burying is different. One of you is actively waiting for texts back, the other is probably not even thinking about it, taking comfort in the fact that they didn't have to participate in an awkward conversation. But there’s still no closure there.
The reason Burying is more humane, is that you still like the person! Ghosting is a, "No way, no how, it was a one night stand, I was giving you my number to avoid awkwardness, I have enough people in my life, go away." With Burying, you maybe don’t see dates leading to anything big, so you don’t want to spend a night feigning dating interest and having that friendship conversation in the back of your head, waiting for the perfect moment to bring it up. It's almost like having to come out again, not something you want to live through more than once.
But on the other hand, you’re also open to being persuaded. So often the Burying goes like this:
You aren’t too interested, you make a vague plan for the following week, the other person picks up on it and thinks, “I’m an independent woman! If they like me, they’ll reach out.” Then you decide you won’t say anything until Monday afternoon. Then Monday at 1pm rolls around, still nothing. You wait until 5pm. Nothing. Maybe after work… Nothing. And then you become steadfast in the disinterest that you’ve clearly shown the other person and want to keep this position of power, so nothing happens.
He successfully buried someone!
Burying SUCCESS! You’re firmly out of their seven and it’s only a matter of time until you see them out and it’s awkward cause you didn’t relay how you really feel.
Why does this seem easier? It’s really not. You’re just kind of alienating yourself and making it awkward if you meet this person or any of their friends irl. And if this person is someone you like, don’t you want to let them know that you like them, but you just don’t see dating happening? Can you perform THE FRIEND CONVERSION?
This has only worked for me once so far. I met a guy at Industry in Hell's Kitchen one night. We went back to my place and discovered that we were both tops! I also didn't see a relationship happening with this person. So over the next week, he kept sending me dirty texts and the like, and eventually, I HAD to say something because A) I couldn’t keep feigning interest and B) The Burying was not working. He was persistent as fuck. We friend-converted! I texted him that I didn't see us hooking up again and after that, we became going out buddies.
I had a fake-out-friend-conversion happen, too. I went out with this guy, let's call him... Bruce. NO! Bryce. His declarations of extreme like of me quickly turned into those dreaded words, “I’m feeling more of a friend vibe…” on our third date. "Oh!" I quickly replied. It was unexpected, certainly, cause we had a pretty good first couple of dates, but there were warning signs.
First date? Great time. Second date? Even better. Looking back on that third date, though, I can now see I had blinders on and should have see the Friend Conversion coming. No kissing, no touching, no anything. I didn't even think anything was wrong when he told me that he had to leave early to go on a Skype call with his ex-boyfriend’s parents.
Yeah.
I was obviously stunned and saddened. I replied, “That’s weird, cause I’m feeling a dating vibe…”. It took me a good five minutes to wrap my brain around it, but eventually, I told him, “Okay. You want to be my friend? Text me and let’s hang out. The ball’s in your court.” “Great! I definitely will.” He replied. And I never heard from him again.
Honestly though? Still better than Ghosting or Burying. Sure, he lied about wanting to be my friend, but at least he respected me enough to do the awkward thing and tell me. Ripped that bandaid right off! Waiting for a text from someone to go out as friends is WAY less stressful than waiting for a text from someone to go out on a date.
So fellas, let's all do each other a solid and try not bury or ghost others. Because it quickly becomes okay. It's like saying, "Ugh, I'm the WORST!" That does not make you any less "the worst" by admitting it. You gotta own up and send that text. Cause the older you get, the less mad you can get at anyone for doing any of these things, because you've done them all. Let's create some positive karma, yes? I believe in us!
-Dan DeStefano